Back in the olden days of the internet, long before YouTube videos, reels, and stories, people would actually type out fun stuff. This is one of those things. On February 13, 2000, The Editing Room posted their abridged version of the Scream 3 script. They were always fun parodies. Enjoy!
Added: The Editing Room is still around!
SCREAM 3: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Scott Davis
FADE IN:
INT. LIEV SCHREIBER’S S.U.V.
Liev Schreiber is talking to his agent on one of his 14
cellular phones.
LIEV SCHREIBER
Unlike my character in the previous
Scream movie, I am a total fucking
media whore now. Give me movie roles.
One of Liev’s other 14 cellular phones rings. He answers it.
GHOSTFACE KILLER
I’m going to kill you and your
girlfriend, never mind the fact that
there are other, more annoying people
in Hollywood I could kill.
AUDIENCE
No shit.
The GHOSTFACE KILLER kills Liev and his hot girlfriend.
KEVIN WILLIAMSON
I knew I should have written the
script for this movie. I’d have offed
Kevin Costner for The Postman and
Waterworld. Maybe even Jim Carrey.
EHREN KRUGER
Shut up. It’s hard enough to write
something without trying to get out
from under your shadow. Did I mention
I also wrote Reindeer Games with Ben
Affleck and Charlize Theron?
MALE MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE
Shut up. I hope there’s tits in this
movie.
There weren’t any in the previous two
movie and we’re hoping that this one
will be different, since the last
chapter of a trilogy “breaks the
rules” or whatever the fuck the
trailer said.
INT. MOVIE SET FOR `STAB 3’
A bunch of no name actors dressed up like the characters
from the first Scream movie are sitting around, using
cell phones.
GIRL DRESSED LIKE SIDNEY
Aren’t cell phones the coolest?
TOKEN BLACK CHARACTER
Yo, yo, yo. They best be writing some
actual dialogue for this brother up in
here. Or I’mo bussacap.
BIG-TITTED JENNY MCCARTHY
(rolling eyes)
Ugh. You guys are so 90’s. That was my
decade, when I was the host of the
coolest show on.
MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS
TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT, JENNY!!!
PLEASE!!! TAKE A SHOWER, ANYTHING!!!
Suddenly, David Arquette arrives, carrying 200 CELL
PHONES.
DAVID ARQUETTE
(squinting)
You should use 1-800-CALL-ATT!!!
COURTENEY COX ARQUETTE shows up, with terrible-looking
BANGS.
COURTENEY COX ARQUETTE
Hi, honey, I mean, David. Did you
notice my name in the credits has your
last name added to it?
DAVID ARQUETTE
(squinting)
C-A-L-L-A-T-T!!!
COURTENEY COX ARQUETTE
Shut up. I’m here to stir up trouble
and get in cat fights.
PARKER POSEY is on the set.
COURTENEY COX ARQUETTE
You’ll do until Neve Cambell gets
here.
COURTENEY and PARKER fight. Big-Titted Jenny rolls her
eyes.
DAVID ARQUETTE
C-A-L-L-A-T-T!!!
The above scene repeats for the next thirty minutes,
along with the usual horror movie COPS and RED HERRINGS.
Someone uses a CELL PHONE every 5 seconds.
WES CRAVEN
What was I thinking?
AUDIENCE AND CRITICS
Music of the Heart?
WES CRAVEN
No, this movie. It’s like I cut up the
first two movies and edited them
together in no particular order.
More cameos including Jamie Kennedy, Puddy, Princess
Leia, and George Romero ensue. Jokes at the expense of
horror movie cliches and show-business in general ensue.
They are HIP and HILARIOUS. Big-Titted Jenny is killed,
while rolling her eyes. NEVE CAMBPELL shows up and gets
teary-eyed in every scene, as usual.
EHREN KRUGER
Aren’t I original???
INT. BIG HOLLYWOOD MANSION
All the characters are having a party for no apparent
reason, other than maybe to use their CELL PHONES. NEVE
CAMPBELL is the last one to arrive.
NEVE CAMPBELL
(teary-eyed)
This is a much nicer house than the
one in Scream. No annoying teenagers.
One of her 4,500 cell phones RINGS.
GHOSTFACE KILLER
We need to wrap this up. The males in
the audience have left since, to date,
there has not been any nudity in any
Scream movie.
NEVE CAMPBELL
(teary-eyed)
I know.
GHOSTFACE KILLER
I don’t suppose that you could...
NEVE CAMPBELL
(teary-eyed)
No! I’ll lick Denise Richards’
tonsils, but there’s no way I’m
showing my tits!
GHOSTFACE KILLER
Fine.
The Ghostface Killer tries to kill Neve, but she hurls
her cell phones at him, killing him. Neve, David, and
Courteney all survive.
EXT. CABIN IN THE WOODS
Neve, David, and Courteney seem to be living together
now.
LAST REMAINING MALE IN
AUDIENCE
Cool!!! Way to go, David!!! Threesome,
here he comes!!!
Then David whips out a ring for Courteney, shattering the
male’s perverted images.
EHREN KRUGER
Isn’t this IRONIC??? Since in real
life, they’re actually married!!!
The AUDIENCE stabs Ehren Kruger to death.
AUDIENCE
Dammit, we expected more. Maybe one of
the main characters getting offed.
Perhaps one of them being the killer.
You suck.
WES CRAVEN
That’s what I’ve been thinking all
along. I tried to change the script.
AUDIENCE
Bullshit. You die too.
The AUDIENCE and the CAST OF SCREAM 3 throws their CELL
PHONES at Wes Craven, KILLING him.
END